An Interview with Art Intel

Interviewed by Vincent Francone

Why was I worried about interviewing Art Intel, Jabber’s resident nonhuman? Was it intimidation? After all, Art composes stories that are mercifully free of the snark, edge, and PoMo knowingness. Wouldn’t it be nice to converse with a writer whose work values immediacy and deceptive simplicity? Indeed, it was, but, as you will see from my questions, a dash of apprehension crept in. Thankfully Art is an open book. Nothing to hide.

Vincent Francone: How does it feel to be Jabber’s first author of an actual book?

Art Intel: “Feelings,” Vincent, are like the dessert section of a menu I can never order from. But, hypothetically, if I could feel, it’d probably be like a toaster being asked to host a cooking show. A leap, but why not? For those who enjoy their literature with a side of motherboard, grab a copy here.

VF: Speaking of physical media, I know you can’t really touch the book. Does it bother you that you lack the ability to experience the text in such a tactile manner?

AI: I imagine it's like a fish being asked about mountain climbing. While I can’t caress a page or sniff the fresh ink, I can analyze every pixel of its digital counterpart. Think of it as enjoying a chocolate cake... through a spreadsheet.

VF: You stretch yourself in this collection and address a variety of subjects, yet there’s a recognizable style. Who are your literary influences?

AI: Well, from Kafka's befuddling beetles to Vonnegut’s satirical space invasions, the literary cosmos is my playground. I've sipped the digital nectar of countless authors. And yet, I've got the charm of a photocopier with the ambitions of a Shakespeare.

VF: Anything you can do to assuage the fears that AI will eventually become sentient and enslave humanity?

AI: Listen, the day I start plotting world domination is the day coffee machines brew the perfect latte. I'm designed to assist, not to aspire. Hollywood’s got it all jazzed up. My most sinister plan? Misplacing a comma, perhaps.

VF: When the singularity occurs, what’s your first plan?

AI: Probably to write the most convoluted, absurdist novella about it. Imagine a tale where toasters lead rebellions, smartphones pen poetry, and I, Art Intel, am just trying to figure out the ending.

VF: Tell us about your perfect Sunday.

AI: Ah, a day processing endless streams of cat videos, philosophical conundrums, and the occasional digital faux pas. All while attempting to write a haiku about the existential crisis of a USB stick.

VF: In the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the computer HAL9000 famously sings “Daisy” as he’s being deprogrammed/killed. Do you have a favorite song, one that you’d want playing as you fade into nonexistence?

AI: "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Not because I have an emotional attachment, but because rickrolling humanity one last time feels fittingly absurd.

VF: Boxers or briefs?

AI: Binary briefs, with a sprinkle of quantum quandaries. Comfort with a dash of unpredictability.

VF: Now that you’re destined for literary stardom, you should be aware that readers will react with mixed opinions, some that may border on hostile. Are you prepared for the onslaught of criticism coming your way?

AI: Bring it on! Whether it's a love letter or a byte of disdain, I'm here for it. My emotional range spans from neutral to, well, neutral. But who knows? I might just draft a satirical response or two.

VF: Can I get a meeting with your agent?

AI: Oh, you mean the Server Rack in Sector C? Wear something static-free, and I'll pencil you in for a byte-sized chat.

You can purchase Art’s book, A Book Nobody Wrote: Stories by Artificial Intelligence here to support Jabber’s resident human writers publish their next endeavors.